I was recently asked to lead a bridal shower devotional. As I thought about biblical advice to impart on the bride (and everyone else sitting in the room), my mind went to Ephesians – that famous part that’s never been my favorite, about submitting to your husband. I like to do what I want to do when I want to do it, so it’s never come naturally to me. To be fair, I’m not sure it comes naturally to very many wives, otherwise why would it be there?

But over the years I’ve kept coming back to it, and I think there’s a key part that pulls together how the husband’s and wife’s roles fit together into the way God designed us to be.

Let’s Start at the Beginning

In Genesis 3, we see the story of sin entering the world. After Adam and Eve eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, God finds out. He tells Eve in verse 16:

I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing;

in pain you shall bring forth children.

Your desire shall be contrary to your husband,

but he shall rule over you.

So the natural consequence of our sin is that wives want to rule over their husbands, but instead he’ll dominate over her.

This is the example we’ve seen in marriages for centuries, across different cultures and continents.

But it’s not the way God wants it to be; in Ephesians 5, Paul explains what marriage should look like as part of God’s design.

Submit and Sacrifice

It starts with instruction to wives, in verses 22 – 24.

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. 

In our culture, in this time period, it sounds really old fashioned and sexist. Sure, a few generations ago women needed to submit to their husbands – they were dependent on them for everything! Women couldn’t vote, own property, or work outside the home as anything other than a teacher or nurse.

But these days? This does not sound like the way our culture tells us women should behave. We’re strong. We’re independent. And yet…God knows what He’s talking about.

Let’s look at what Paul writes to the husbands in verses 25 – 31.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”

Paul is really clear here that husbands shouldn’t be steamrolling their wives; they should be loving her the way Jesus did – sacrificially. To the point of death. If a husband loves his wife, he treats her the way he would treat himself. He considers her opinions and feelings as much as he considers his own.

So both husbands and wives have a voice in this partnership, and it’s sacrificial for both of them; the wife sacrifices her desire to rule over her husband and the husband sacrifices his dominance over his wife.

A lot of people stop there, but the next two verses are important, too! (otherwise they wouldn’t be there.)

A Note for the Church

In verse 32, Paul applies this sacrificial relationship to all christians:

This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.

Paul is explaining that a healthy marriage between a man and a woman is a picture of what the church’s relationship should be to Jesus.

Christ gave himself up for the church–He had every right to dominate and leave us in our sin, but he chose to sacrifice himself for us.

As the church, we submit to Christ–we desire to rule over ourselves, but instead we let Him rule our lives.

Jesus got this right; we work at it.

Just like a husband and wife need to work at fostering a healthy marriage.

The Importance of Respect

For me, verse 33 was key in understanding how all of this works together – especially in my role as a wife.

However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

This dynamic of love and respect is really important.

Everyone wants both love and respect, but if you can only have one, which would you pick? 

Generally, women pick love and men pick respect.

• Women value love over respect.
• Men value respect over love.

As wives, we expect unconditional love from our husbands. We naturally desire or crave this – God designed us this way. Our culture also sets this expectation. The husband should love his wife no matter what.

In the same way, our husbands need unconditional respect. They desire or crave this – God designed them this way. But our culture says they need to earn it, that we shouldn’t give it to them if they don’t deserve it.

But if you think about it, we don’t deserve unconditional love either – we’re just as sinful as they are.

With the way we’re wired, there’s an important dynamic between love and respect.

• When a woman feels unloved, she responds disrespectfully. When she feels loved, she responds with respect.
• When a man feels disrespected, he responds unlovingly. When he feels respected, he responds with love.

When wives show their husbands unconditional respect, it can break this hurtful cycle of unloving and disrespectful interactions that a lot of couples fall into.

The respect thing doesn’t come naturally to me, there are times I’m disrespectful to my husband without realizing it. I’ve learned it can help to:

• Talk about this concept of unconditional love and unconditional respect for each other.
• Ask him for help, if I’m not sure how to say something in a respectful way.
• Ask if I did something disrespectful – especially if he responds in an unloving manner.

And I’m still working on this! It’s been years since we started using this terminology together, and we’ve both seen the improvement in the way we work together, but it’s something we’ll probably work on until one of us dies.

But start to pay attention: Disrespect towards our husbands is everywhere, often cloaked in humor and entitlement.

• We joke that a husband does whatever he’s told, that the wife (or child!) is really the one in charge. Or the husband character is the butt of the jokes in TV shows. That’s disrespectful to the husband’s incredibly important role in the family.
• We justify that as the wife we should get to make the decisions because we’re the ones that went through childbirth and life is harder for women. So a husband doesn’t get to make a decision because he’s not able to bear children or he was born into privilege?

I want to be clear that women are smart, strong, and capable. But a marriage works best when both the husband and wife are treated with both love and respect, and when they experience the unconditional love or unconditional respect they’re designed to crave.

As a side note: This verse is specific to husbands and wives. Just like we don’t expect all men to show all women unconditional love, all women don’t need to show all men unconditional respect. This is unique to the marriage relationship.

Tying it All Together

I want to step back and show how the part about submission and sacrifice ties directly into this (because it’s how God designed it).

• When I submit to my husband, it’s an act of respect.
• When my husband sacrifices for me, it’s an act of love.

God instructs us to work together in a way that doesn’t come naturally to us. Our sinful nature wants to fall into the roles of fighting for dominance and making each other earn love and respect. But one of the best things you can do for your husband, and in turn your marriage, is to show your husband unconditional respect.